Yeah, yeah it is. It always is, no matter how right the decision feels to the person breaking up. I feel like an asshole.
I did my crying weeks ago, during a sit, when I realized what I had to do and what it meant. It took a few more weeks to build up the courage to do it, but it has been coming for a long, long time.
And then Thursday when I finally did it, well, it was fine for a while. We had a nice weekend, actually, chatting and bantering as we used to so long ago, before all of this mess. He said he was happy for me.
And then we had another talk today, about how to move on, and it’s hard, it’s so hard to see him hurt so badly. I wish I could dispel the illusion for him, show him the truth of our relationship as it is, without judgement or hope or expectations. Just what it is. But I can’t force him, nobody can.
Despite how much I wanted this to go smoothly, despite how peaceful I feel with my decision and its consequences, one I really don’t feel good about is hurting him. Even if it’s a necessary wrong, a harm that was inevitable and mitigated as much as possible.
But you can’t mitigate heartbreak. And oh how I wish I could. I wish I could just take away the veil of illusion that envelops him. The pain would be sharp, on the moment, but it would be lesser, because the truth is neither good nor bad. It is.